Is this really happening?
by Ems602
Summary: Has Skipper's whole life been a lie? This story is (semi) humanized, and a Unless there's a sequel ;)


**First off, Hi! Second off, I know nothing about hallucinations and/or comas. Third off, enjoy!**

Is This Really Happening

1. The li(f)e

SKIPPER

I stuck my head into the laboratory. "Kowalski? Doohickey update?" Kowalski turned around, beaming. "I've done it, Skipper! I've invented the- actually, I don't have a name yet. Hmm... Maybe-" I gave him a look. "Do it later, Kowalski".

He turned red. "Right. Sorry. Have you ever heard the theory that this world is a video game like The Sims, **(funny, my bro is playing that right now, and I wrote this portion of the story about a week ago!) **and it's so perfect that even the players don't know they're not real? The world that invented the game that we may or may not be could even be a game itself!"

I held up a flipper. "Whoa. I didn't get much of that, but what I did get worried me. Kowalski, are you going philosophic on me?

Kowalski was not amused. "Skipper, just let me try the darn thing out already!" I caught his flipper an inch away from the power button. "Kowalski, we've talked about this! Your inventions blow up. This one won't do anything useful, so what's the point?"

Now, he was more than a bit annoyed. "SKIPPER! This is SCIENCE we're discussing here! I'm about to resolve a question that nobody else can! Plus, it won't blow up. I didn't use C4 **(an explosive) **as a circuit board component this time".

I glared at him. "C4? No wonder. Well, we can discuss blatant disregard of safety later. I want to know what the objective of the video game we may or may not be is!

He didn't stop to question how I had finally understood his explanation. He just pushed the button. The machine hummed as it 'sent out probes to adjacent realities'. And then, it stopped, and a single block of text appeared on the screen.

This world is neither video game nor real. He glared at the machine. Then, he swiftly reprogrammed it to tell us what the world was, if not one of those.

This world is a hallucination being had by Skipper.

I was crushed. The team was... was fake? Not video-game character fake, hallucination-fake? No. They couldn't be! I turned to him, ready to demand answers about practical joke plans, but he looked just as shocked as I did. That was the clincher.

"Skipper, it's wrong. If I'm thinking, which I am, I can't be something your mind is only seeing!" But I wasn't about to fall for that. "That's just what my subconscious would have you say! LET ME WAKE UP FROM THIS HALLUCINATION!"

And suddenly, I did.

2. And so it began

SKIPPER

I opened my eyes slowly, and quickly closed them again. "Why do lights have to be so bright!" A soft voice said, "Please don't speak yet. We need to make sure you're really okay. Waking up from a hallucination coma for no reason, after thirty years, is practically unheard of!"

I couldn't believe my ears. "Private? You're real? I mean, you were in the hallucination, but now you-" The voice shushed me. "Please don't get so worked up. And, sir, my name isn't Private. It's Jeff. **(Name made up off the top of my head. If you named your Private Jeff, sorry!)** Now, please, stop talking. Or do you want to have a seizure, like the last person who woke up after thirty years in recent history?"

Suddenly, a voice cut across the babbling of Priv- _Jeff. _"Jeff, don't talk his ear off! He needs to rest". Wearily, I asked, "Don't you mean earhole?" They both shushed me, sounding equally weary. As they left the room, the one whose voice I barely recognized muttered, "Earhole? Must have been some hallucination!" That's when my befuddled brain finally got to the bottom of a certain fact. As a sleeping drug pumped into me, I realized the truth.

I was human.

When I woke up, the first thing I saw was a needle. I screamed, and a man standing in front of me who looked a bit like Private facepalmed. He spoke in a calming tone. "Sir, I need to inject you. Or would you like to be writhing in agony?" I laughed. "I'll take agony any day over those demonic pointy things. P-_Jeff_ raised an eyebrow, but put the needle down.

I got the feeling this was my chance to ask a nagging question. "Uhh... Jeff?" I asked, the name sounding strange in my mouth. "I think I have amnesia. Tell me... Who am I?" Jeff sighed. "To be honest, sir, none of us know. The story is, thirty years ago, you were dropped off at the front door, with enough money to pay for this whole wing and your stay.

Only Dr Francis saw what happened, who dropped you off, but he never said who. A tip from me to you: Don't ask him". That's when I realized what he'd just said. "Doctor Fr-Francis? Oh, I see how this is. And I suppose his sister's name just happens to be Doris? And he only has one real eye? HUH?!" I felt my eye twitching.

Jeff backed away slowly. "Sir, please calm down. I don't want to have to sedate you, but I will if you make me." I took a deep breath. "Jeff, I... I apologize. Could you answer the question?"

He sighed. "Doctor Francis has a sister named Doris, yes, but both his eyes are real. He is a very nice man, and he was the one who told me off for talking so much yesterday. Just remember, whatever you think you know about him from your hallucination is a lie. Now, I'm afraid I'm behind schedule, so let's start with today's checkup. Please move ONLY your thumb".

It quickly became apparent that I had no memory from before all this of how to use fingers properly. After half an hour of annoyance, I gave up on fingers and moved to sit up. Jeff held me down. "Sir, I am legally required to keep you from moving until I warn you. You refused to take the pain medication, and if you sit up, the pain will approximately quintuple. There, I'm no longer liable. Go ahead and sit up all you want, sir".

I gave him the look, and sat up. Bad move. I collapsed back down to the bed, and went back to finger exercises once I caught my breath. It was going to be a long day.

3. What came next

SKIPPER

I lay in bed, restless. It had been three days since I woke up, and already I was walking with a cane. It was slow going, but Jeff and Francis were confident that I would be fit for discharge in under a week. Under the circumstances, that was fast.

Thing is, I had nowhere to go. Not in terms of housing- the hospital still had some of the money from when I was dropped off. Rather, I wasn't sure what to do with my life. I couldn't exactly join the army- I would never be as fit as the penguin I had thought I was, nor would I be able to move as smoothly as someone who remembers being a human all their life. It's not like knowing how to belly slide is useful anymore...

I was interrupted from my thoughts by a crashing noise in the hallway. Since I was allowed outside my room now, I grabbed my cane and went to investigate. Old habits die hard, after all. I went over to the nurse's station and was met with a surprising, and terrifying, sight.

A man was standing with his back to me, holding a knife on Jeff menacingly. Jeff looked terrified. The man must have heard me, because he turned around. The look on his face-and the scar on it- was** (were?)** like a name tag.

"Rico?" I asked. The man nodded, surprised. Jeff looked back and forth between us for a moment. "Hang on. How do you know the name of a wanted criminal that nobody knows the name of? I guess you must have met him before or during the thirty years, and hallucinated him in, though come to think of it, during is certainly not the case.

So if you knew him before... Oh no. All this time. You were a criminal! That money was stolen! And... And I pitied you! Is the amnesia an act, too? Huh?"

I was confused. "He's a wanted criminal? Makes sense, I guess. But... Why would you think I made up amnesia? I've only ever done that once, with the news reporter bit, **(The big one, peeps! My cover art from Penguin Secrets is *probably* from that episode!)** and that was the hallucination!"

Rico looked stunned. He pointed at me, like he was seeing me in a whole new light. Then, he hit me over the head with something heavy.

When I woke up, I was in a comfortable bed. I sat up, and was surprised to find that I wasn't restrained. A cane was leaning on the bed. Other than that, the white-walled room was empty. A panel on the wall suddenly slid into the floor, and a man walked in. I'd been wondering when he would show up.

"Hello, Kowalski. Care to explain what the heck is going on?"

A few minutes later, after I finally got out of that accursed hospital gown, I walked into a small, cozy office. Kowalski was sitting behind a large desk. I sat in the chair across from the desk, patiently waiting for him to explain this madness.

He aligned his note cards into an orderly pile. Then, he spoke. "I am sorry about Rico's... technique... for abducting you. His instructions were to find you, interrogating the nurse if necessary, but we didn't cover contingencies for if you came to investigate the noise. And when we don't cover contingencies, Rico... improvises".

I thought about his statement for a moment. "Wait, are you saying that you told Rico to kill Jeff? Because that's what it sounds like you are saying to me".

Kowalski laughed. "No. He was told to only neutralize Jeff, and only if Jeff saw him. But enough about Jeff. I'm here to tell you 'what the heck is going on'. Yes, as you've so obviously gathered, I sent Rico to abduct you. But to explain any more, we need to go back to where it started". He tapped the wooden tabletop, and it revealed itself to be a screen. On the screen was a video.

4. Understanding

SKIPPER

"So, Mr. Skipper. You figured out the truth about my newspaper ad. How would you like to become fabulously wealthy? I admit that if your 'iron constitution' fails you, you could die, but imagine it! Being a superhuman fighting machine".

The video skipped forward, showing me getting tested. Then came a familiar face.

"What's he doing here?" I asked. Kowalski laughed. "He's my former partner. Francis quit when he decided that all this-" He gestured at the room- "was immoral. He went to work at that hospital, which is why we dropped you there when it all went wrong. Speaking of which, we've reached a point where you should pay attention to the video". **(Okay, look. The story just worked better if Blowhole was in the hospital and Kowalski was abducting people.)**

A large needle filled with glowing purple solution was draining into my arm. I looked terrified. Then came the convulsions. And then came the eerie silence. Kowalski rushed me into a car, and the camera continued to roll until I reached the hospital.

"And that's what happened. Now! Question time!" I scratched my head for a moment. "So, the purple thing made me hallucinate in a coma?" Kowalski nodded. "What was it?" Kowalski responded with, "Maguffium 239".

"Makes sense. Why does Rico do your dirty work?" Kowalski laughed. "I hired him years ago, and then he was exposed to Maguffium 235. It's an earlier Maguffium. It... Didn't end well. But, he retained enough sense of loyalty to not attack me on sight. We came to an agreement".

"So, why did Jeff call him a wanted criminal?" At this, Kowalski looked mildly uncomfortable. "Weelll, he kind of has psychotic rages". I smirked. "Sounds like the Rico I thought I knew in the hallucination". Kowalski didn't meet my gaze. "What?" I asked him. "I don't know about your Rico, but mine is a cold-blooded killer. He enjoys it. Begs me to let him out more often. And don't give me that 'how dare you ally with him' look! This is the real world, Skipper. I believe that the ends justify the means, and Rico is the means". But I was no longer listening.

I was halfway to the door when Kowalski pushed a button on the arm of his swivel chair. The door closed. "Skipper, I cannot have you leaving. Don't make me use Maguffium 253 on you". I rammed the door, but it held fast. Kowalski sighed theatrically, and the sigh was distorted. I turned around. The sigh had come through a gas mask. I redoubled my efforts to escape, but the door held fast. A hissing began. A few seconds later, I was out.

5. The truth

SKIPPER

I awoke to Kowalski standing over me. He asked me, "How do you feel?" I replied with, "I'm actually feeling disoriented. What happened?" Kowalski patiently explained, "I dosed you with Maguffium 253. It dulls feelings of anger, and increases happiness. It also clouds the logical portions of the mind. It's like a drug, but it's for a different purpose. You may have been angry with me before, but now you will willingly do whatever I say. Isn't that right?"

I considered his words, but I couldn't find the mental energy to do much more than agree. And why would I disagree? I was happy, more happy than ever before. "I will do whatever you want, Kowalski".

"Excellent. Now, follow me. I never did retest Maguffium 239, and I still need to know what it did". We walked to a lab table. Kowalski pulled out a needle. I remembered feeling terrified of it before, but all I could feel was apathy towards it now. I almost wondered why. The pain felt ticklish. **(How's that for an oxymoron?) **Kowalski looked at the results.

"Fascinating. It appears to have done nothing but put you in the coma! Oh, that reminds me- I finished that thing I was telling you about 30 years ago. You don't remember, obviously, but I'll show it to you anyway. Come along".

We were in a large room. In the center was an unmistakable machine. "That thing? That's how I knew to wake up! It's the thing that told me that my old life was a lie!"

Kowalski was looking at me strangely. "It didn't look like this thirty years ago. I think that Maguffium 239 did something to your brain after all! Skipper, you may be psychic. I guess the Maguffium 253 just got in the way of the brain scan. Here's an antidote".

I felt the fog lift from my mind instantly. "You know, I would throttle you, but I need to know how that machine made it into my hallucination. I guess I must be psychic. Of course, I'm not 100% convinced. So power this bad boy on!"

Kowalski snorted. "Power this bad boy on, he says. It's so much more complicated than that- DROP IT SKIPPER! DON'T PLUG THAT- Crud". I watched Kowalski run over to me, a guilty look on my face. He frantically punched buttons, then gave a sigh of relief. "Whew. It's not going to blow up. Even better, it's going to tell us what we want to know! And I thought it would take me a month to get it functional". He chuckled.

The machine dinged. A small block of text appeared on the screen.

This world is a hallucination being had by Skipper.

I groaned. "Not again! I can't take this again!"

And the world went black.

7. The whole truth

KOWALSKI

"LET ME WAKE UP FROM THIS HALLUCINATION!" Skipper screamed. Then, he crumpled. Behind him was a figure with a needle. The last figure I ever wanted to see.

"Hello, Blue Hen. I suppose you're here for revenge?" The hen squawked indignantly. "My name is Henrietta! Now, I suppose you need an explanation of my diabolical plan?" I laughed. "It's easy to figure out, really. You are convincing Skipper that we aren't real, so we won't have a leader, even if he does wake up from the hallucination that needle induced. Which, come to think of it, is actually a pretty darn good scheme. I suppose you have a way to capture us?"

The hen smirked. "Don't I always?" She then pulled the freeze ray on me.

A few minutes later, Rico, Private and I were tied up, Rico with a gag tightly over his mouth. All we could do was hope that Skipper would wake up soon. The hen had left the room, and was hacking her way to president over the Internet as we spoke.

I decided to take charge of the situation. I told them what I believed to be going on. Then, I started looking for escape options. "Rico, I don't suppose you can get the gag off?" Rico shook his head morosely. Just then Skipper twitched. I told Private to stop his frantic chanting of "There's nothing we can do", and focused on Skipper. His breathing sped up. He twitched again. Then, he spoke.

"So, let me play the guessing game. Flippers, arms, fins, wings, tentacles, pseudopods, legs, or nothing?" **(Did I miss anything?) **He held his flipper experimentally in front of his face. "Well, that eliminates the nothing option. Penguin flippers? Oh, come on! Don't tell me it's this one again!" I chose this moment to intervene. "Skipper, this really is real. Just listen-" Skipper interrupted me. "No. I will not 'just listen', Kowalski. I'm not listening to figments of my imagination any more! I am not doing anything until I escape this maze known as my mind".

I sighed. "Fine. Don't listen. But help us as though we weren't figments of your imagination. Which we aren't. The blue hen, Skipper, this is all her fault! Come on, Skipper. At least untie us... Please?" Skipper ignored me, and sat in a meditative pose on the floor, apparently trying to escape the 'hallucination'.

I took a deep breath, and then spoke in a surprisingly calm voice. "Skipper. I'm going to talk, and unless you have another gag, you can't stop me. That said, let's use logic. The blue hen, who is apparently named Henrietta, rigged my machine just like she rigged the stopwatch right before you invoked P.E.L.T.

She then injected you with something that made you hallucinate... Whatever you hallucinated. Then, you woke up. Now, if I can prove that Henrietta rigged my machine, can you logically think of any reason to doubt that all this is real?"

Skipper turned to snap at me, but paused, a thoughtful expression on his face. "No, I can't" he said with surprise in his voice. He took off Rico's gag, punched him in the stomach for a knife, and cut us loose. We crept into the lab, and turned on the machine. "Computer, reset to defaults? Check! Now... " I hesitantly coded the computer.

This world is _not_ a hallucination being had by Skipper

I turned to Skipper, hopeful. Skipper was too busy battling Henrietta to talk. "Yay! Skippa's back!" cried Private. I smiled. Then, I socked the Psychic Chicken in the beak. "And _that's _for everything else!"

8. And nothing but the truth (Epilogue)

A few days later, I was sitting in the HQ, building another ship in a bottle. I suddenly had an idea. "Kowalski, if this isn't a hallucination, what is it?" Kowalski dragged the machine out of the lab, and we all crowded around. He punched in a command, and we all leaned in.

This world is a television show.

**AND SCENE!**

**I decided not to write their reactions- not yet, anyway. I also didn't write the scene where Skipper explains what he hallucinated/why he is now acting strangely around everyone (Kowalski was a villain in the hallucination, Rico was even more insane, etc.). I will probably do that sometime in the rest of my life.**

**In other notes, I learned today while at the movies that Blowhole is voiced by the voice of Steve the Monkey from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Small world, right? Right? No? Oh well...**


End file.
